Getting Beyond Perfectionism

 

Do you push yourself to be the “best”?  The best spouse, friend?  How about at your career?  Do you feel obsessed with being the best vs. doing your best?   Ahhh, perfectionism.  There was a time, when I thought that being a perfectionist was a good thing.  I thought that successful people were the ones who did things ‘the right way”....the perfect way.   In reality, I have learned that perfectionism can block your road to success pretty quickly.  Perfectionism in any part of your life gives you a payoff.  What could it be for you? 

Perfectionism,  goes hand in hand with disliking our selves, and seeing things in a negative light.  Since we know there is no real state of being perfect, we ensure we will never be satisfied with who we are.   Perfection only exists where fault does not.  So then we must constantly be in search for our faults.   

A few things happen when we choose to come from a “perfectionist world view”.   First of all, perfectionism can justify our low self-worth and disapproval.  When we are unable to fulfill our perfect goals we get to say, for example, “See - I knew no one would love me unless I got this weight off.”  Or, “I knew I wasn’t smart or  perfect enough to get that job”.

Perfectionism also offers a beautiful vision of fulfillment.  Our internal dialogue goes something like this...” I could be successful if only I would.....do, be , have etc.”  What we tend to do, when coming from a perfectionist viewpoint, is feel fulfilled based on the  beliefs and the visions that we could do and be better.  Envisioning this perfect self also makes us lovable to ourselves, and others.  

On the outside it would seems that perfectionists tend to keep their goals very high.  But on the inside, perfectionists keep their expectations and hopes very low, so there will be less of a chance of being let down.  In our heart of hearts we really don’t expect to succeed.  Again, reinforcing our negative views about ourselves. 

Another reason that we may have chosen this view in the past is that it offers us a reason to forgive ourselves.  Deep down we know it is impossible to be perfect, so we are not to blame for falling short.  We don’t have to take responsibility. 

The payoffs for being a perfectionist can be endless.   For some it could be for the sole purpose of having a great deal of control.  To be and do everything ”perfect” offers one a great deal of control, but also a great deal of limitations.            Perfectionism does not serve any purpose well.  It promotes misery and dissatisfaction..  If you can see that it harms you, you can let go of it. 

So, how do we go about doing that?  Well, here are some specific ways.   

*Start by looking for the good in your self versus what is not perfect.  Imagine that a leader from another planet sent 2 people here with different tasks.  One was to seek perfection...the other to seek for goodness.  What do you think each person would report?  The one seeking perfection would not find it–they would see only a terrible world.....the one seeking goodness would be overwhelmed with goodness...look for the goodness in you. 

*Shift from judging  yourself and the world, to understanding.  Judgement holds criticism, hatred, and is loaded with blocks to our success and prosperity. Understanding  brings us acceptance of others and the ability to love our imperfect/perfect selves.  For goodness to come into our lives we must come from a place of acceptance and giving. 

* Start asking yourself,  “Did I do the best I could?  I am doing the best I can?” Versus “Am I the best” or believing that you have to be the “best”.  Who defines that anyway?  Remember we will never make everyone happy, and we don’t have to. 

* Set attainable goals, reach them, and celebrate all the bumps along the way. 

* Letting go of perfectionism may require you to change you internal dialogue.  Start talking to your self differently.  Instead of criticizing yourself “I am such a klutz” say, whoops, “I didn’t see that in my way”.  Start with the little things. 

Don’t let the search for the perfect life get blocked with perfectionism.  Practice being ok with who you are, and where you are in your life.  Keep in action.  Love the ride.  Know that what seems imperfect in life is really perfect,  for where you are suppose to be.